Oh, Changmin. I so wanted to enjoy your show. I had a long day, and there was a LOT of walking. The comped tickets I thought were pavilion seats because of my MIL’s press status were lawn seats. We got there late enough that the best lawn spots available were SO far away, and uphill and on uneven terrain that seemed custom made to give you a sprained ankle in your attempt to navigate through this. All this while being accompanied by near strangers twenty years my senior who were in much better shape. Finally we got there. The woman in our group with the binoculars left right after The Wonder Girls. The figures on the stage below were so tiny. Super Junior tried to bridge the distance, but it was a Super Junior with no Heechul, no Kibum, no Kangin, and no Siwon. Kyuhyun got a lot of pops, as did Eunhyuk. And then TVXQ came on the stage, and I waited for the OHMYFUCKINGGOD feeling I got at USC when I saw JYJ for the first time and…it never happened. Keep Your Head Down, Before U Go, nothing was WRONG with your performances. I could hear the exhaustion in your voice, Changmin, husky but never giving way. I kept remembering what people who’d seen you before had said. “The videos, even the pictures don’t do him justice.” I wanted SO MUCH to see you closer, in the flesh, not up on some video screen. But wishing did not make it so. Yunho was a model of an almost mechanical precision. Like Perfection without Passion or Prejudice. And then you did Rising Sun. I watched it unfold in a strange mixture of horror and sadness. That’s Junsu’s line! Why is Yunho singing Jaejoong’s part? Tears formed in my eyes. I wanted to leave but these pseudo-strangers were my ride. I wonder if it feels RIGHT to you, performing this without THEM. Do you think about them? Well, of course you do. Are you still angry? Or sad? Do you still, after all this time, still feel RIGHT staying behind? The truth, not what you tell the people from TV or magazines. Or did you watch Junsu’s new video recently with TWISTS IN YOUR STOMACHS knowing that developed as your powers had become, compared to the men you called your brothers, blacklisted and opposed as they are, you are birds with clipped wings singing from your gilded cage, sheltered from making missteps but also chained to the ground an unable to fly? It felt like a betrayal. And I’m still not sure whether my lack of a connection with you as live performers truly comes from a physical distance or the kind that comes when the artists tells themselves that kind of emotional investment is a waste of time in this country. I didn’t feel TVXQ reaching out to their audience. It felt…sterile. I know I sound ungrateful. I saw so many talented KPoppers last night. But not being able to connect with you as a live audience member left me feeling cold and sad. I hope against all logic that SME will let you tour smaller venues in the US on your own sometime. Maybe then the intimacy of the venue would make things different.

Oh, Changmin. I so wanted to enjoy your show. I had a long day, and there was a LOT of walking. The comped tickets I thought were pavilion seats because of my MIL’s press status were lawn seats. We got there late enough that the best lawn spots available were SO far away, and uphill and on uneven terrain that seemed custom made to give you a sprained ankle in your attempt to navigate through this. All this while being accompanied by near strangers twenty years my senior who were in much better shape. Finally we got there.

The woman in our group with the binoculars left right after The Wonder Girls. The figures on the stage below were so tiny. Super Junior tried to bridge the distance, but it was a Super Junior with no Heechul, no Kibum, no Kangin, and no Siwon. Kyuhyun got a lot of pops, as did Eunhyuk.

And then TVXQ came on the stage, and I waited for the OHMYFUCKINGGOD feeling I got at USC when I saw JYJ for the first time and…it never happened. Keep Your Head Down, Before U Go, nothing was WRONG with your performances. I could hear the exhaustion in your voice, Changmin, husky but never giving way. I kept remembering what people who’d seen you before had said. “The videos, even the pictures don’t do him justice.” I wanted SO MUCH to see you closer, in the flesh, not up on some video screen. But wishing did not make it so. Yunho was a model of an almost mechanical precision. Like Perfection without Passion or Prejudice.

And then you did Rising Sun. I watched it unfold in a strange mixture of horror and sadness. That’s Junsu’s line! Why is Yunho singing Jaejoong’s part? Tears formed in my eyes. I wanted to leave but these pseudo-strangers were my ride. I wonder if it feels RIGHT to you, performing this without THEM. Do you think about them? Well, of course you do. Are you still angry? Or sad? Do you still, after all this time, still feel RIGHT staying behind? The truth, not what you tell the people from TV or magazines. Or did you watch Junsu’s new video recently with TWISTS IN YOUR STOMACHS knowing that developed as your powers had become, compared to the men you called your brothers, blacklisted and opposed as they are, you are birds with clipped wings singing from your gilded cage, sheltered from making missteps but also chained to the ground an unable to fly?

It felt like a betrayal. And I’m still not sure whether my lack of a connection with you as live performers truly comes from a physical distance or the kind that comes when the artists tells themselves that kind of emotional investment is a waste of time in this country. I didn’t feel TVXQ reaching out to their audience. It felt…sterile.

I know I sound ungrateful. I saw so many talented KPoppers last night. But not being able to connect with you as a live audience member left me feeling cold and sad. I hope against all logic that SME will let you tour smaller venues in the US on your own sometime. Maybe then the intimacy of the venue would make things different.

(Source: holovemin)